What Adoptive Parents Need

I came across this article from here: http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/what-adoptive-parents-need-by-rita-laws-phd-what-i-need-now.html I found that it hit home from me.


From a speech given at the Conference of the Dave Thomas Center for Adoption Law.

(The perspective of a single parent in a domestic special needs adoption.)

I am an adopting parent. I wish to open my home and my heart to a sibling group that needs me, siblings who want more brothers and sisters, namely the kids who are already here. I don't want to do this alone. This is what I need from the other stakeholders, from my village (if you'll excuse my calling on an oft-used metaphor).

From the adoption agency: I need support in the form of some encouragement and enthusiasm when I call to request an application packet. I know you are busy, probably too busy, and underpaid to boot, but if you treat me as though I am a burden to you, I may feel unwanted and drop the whole idea. Please understand that my first contact with you is critical. If I am truly one of America's greatest natural resources, please treat me as good as gold.

From my extended family and friends and co-workers: I need a slap on the back. Guess what, I'm not crazy. And I'm certainly no saint. This decision has not been made lightly so please don't assume I have not thought it through. I don't need your approval, but I would like to have it. I'd never tell you how many kids to have, so I hope you won't tell me. What I need from you is a big hug and a hearty "Congratulations!" You see, I'm emotionally pregnant right now. And expectant mothers need TLC.

Part 2: After the Homestudy

Once the home study is finished and the match is made, I need 100% full disclosure from the agency. I need to know everything about the children that there is to know, to be the most effective parent I can be. And please give me full disclosure on the adoption benefits, non-recurring expenses reimbursement, subsidy, services, medical extras, and the rest. I need to know what is out there so I can advocate for my children. My love for my family is boundless, but my financial resources are very limited.

From my adoptive parent support group: I need you to be there long term. Every year, I will need something different from you. At first, mostly information, later, for social support and activities. And always, my children and I will need the warmth of friendship from other adoptive families.

From the administrative hearing officers and the Regional Children's Bureau: I need help advocating financially for my children when negotiations with state administrators break down. AAP contracts are complex instruments and the federal law is relatively young. Adoptive parents like me desperately need help when the process stalls. Please listen to me, be fair, and know that you may be my children's best chance to access adequate financial assistance and services.

From my attorney: I need expert legal assistance to finalize my adoption at the lowest possible cost. Please don't charge me $2,000 just because you know that my adoption expenses can be reimbursed to that amount. After all, there are other costs, too, even with public agency adoptions, such as visitation costs.

From my child's former foster parents: I need a blessing. Please give my children permission to love me and to be part of my family as they leave yours. Tell me the whole truth about them, help me prepare and then be there for them as they adjust. They will miss you. Remember that you will always be a part of our family.

Part 3: After Placement

From my child's school: I need you to know when it is important that my child is adopted and when it isn't. It is important when her concentration lags or behaviors flare up due to his history of child abuse and neglect. It is not important on the playground when my child is trying to fit in. I need you to respect my role as the expert on my child's needs. I need you to listen to me when I ask for educational accommodations. Adopted children with special needs have special needs.

From my family doctor, pharmacist and therapist: I need you to be a bigger part of my village than you might be used to. I will need extra paperwork from you for adoption assistance negotiations, I may need more medical care for my children than is typical, from day one on. I need all the access to you that you can reasonably give me.

From my neighbors: I need your friendly smile and a little patience. My daughter has trouble with boundaries. Please forgive her for pulling the petals off the big rose on your rosebush. She knows now she shouldn't play "he loves me, he loves me not" with your flowers. Please look the other way when my impulsive son urinates in the backyard after a snowstorm. He doesn't understand that this is not the best way to perfect his name-writing skills. I'm teaching, they are learning, but it is slow going sometimes. Please be role models of neighborliness because my children began life in dangerous places and will learn how to be neighbors by watching you.

From my children's other set of parents, their birth parents: I need your acceptance and your prayers. While you get your life together, hopefully overcoming the big problems that resulted in the termination of parental rights, I am raising our children. If possible, send a letter and some photos occasionally to the agency. When the children are ready and want to meet you again, when it is safe, please be there for them. After the reunion, don't call me a glorified babysitter. Our children have two sets of parents - for always - please accept and respect my role in our children's lives as I accept and respect yours.

From society, the people at the grocery store, the guy who fixes my car: I need a little privacy and sensitivity. My different race children may not wish to explain to you, virtual strangers, why their birth parents are not raising them. If you want to know more about adoption, call an agency, read a book, or call me later. My kids are more comfortable this way.

From the residential treatment facility, the police and the juvenile court judges: I need you to understand that I am not the one who created the rage in my teen-agers. I have been a good parent. Please acknowledge this and don't blame me for their shoplifting and running away and vandalism. Instead, help me help them. Don't coddle them, but understand what they are working through. The teen years are especially tough on kids who have been through hell, who have lost everything, who struggle with feelings of loss only adoptees know.

Part 4: The Forgotten Miracle

But have a little faith. They'll grow up and many of the seeds that all of us planted will germinate and grow and bloom and their kids, my grandkids, won't need you as much as I have needed all of you. Because the vicious cycle of pain will have been broken. For good.

That's the forgotten miracle of adoption. It breaks the cycle of dysfunction, stops it dead in its tracks, or at least, slows it down a little.

We're Almost There!

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. Proverbs 3:5-7 KJV

Our caseworker was suppose to stop by tomorrow morning with our home study, so we could look over it and make any necessary changes.  However, she ended up emailing it to us because she had an emergency placement to take care of in the morning. That actually works out better for us because we got it tonight and I have a ton of things to do before I go to work tomorrow. I, of course, have already looked over it and made a few minor changes to it. Brian's going to look over it tomorrow after he gets home from work. Then, I'll have him email it back tomorrow night. Then, our caseworker will stop by so we can sign it and that's it. We're supper excited!!! Our approval date is set for 01/03/11 but it could be sooner. It just depends. I think it will be sooner since we are making the changes tomorrow.

It will be just a huge sigh of relief once this is all over.  Then, there is nothing left for us to do but sit and wait. I've come to realize that I will feel better once I have no control anymore. I always thought that I wanted to be in control but now I feel I'm ready to leave things in God's hands.  It's just easier that way.

We're almost there!

What faith is...

I've always been an impatience person; not with people but with waiting for something to happen.  Everything so far has move so quickly and has been so easy that I thought this time would be different. It seems like everything in my life is a fight and struggle. I just wanted one big event in my life to go smoothly and according to plan.

We had a couple more meetings with our caseworker, Kristi, and they all went swimmly! We passed the safety inspection with flying colors. The best news was we found a sibling group we are interested in! I thought Brian would say no, like he has done a dosen times before, but as soon as I showed him the girls; he said they were perfect and to call the caseworker.  Our adoption profile has to be done before we can be considered for this group.  So, our caseworker was nice enough to arrange for our PRIDE training to be done in our home a week after we found the girls.  We did an 8 hour session in only 4 hours! I was so pleased with how fast everything was going that I told my boss that I didn't want any extra hours and that as soon as we have our match move in (barring everything works out) that I was cutting my hours back. Our adoption profile will be done by Christmas too! Kristi comes next week for us to sign off on our profile and that's it; we're good to go!

The problem?  Well, we can't seem to get anymore information on the girls.  It's been a little over a month and our caseworker can't seem to get a return phone call from the girls' caseworker.  Kristi says that it might be because of the holidays or even that the girls were put up "prematurely" so as to gather as many families as possible. So, I guess this is what other adoptive parents refer to as "The Waiting Game." I never thought we would be playing this game, because we want the hard to adopt children. I thought it would go quicker than this. You hear all this talk about how all these children (129,000 in Pa) desperately need a home and how hard it is for older children and sibling groups to be adopted. So, you would think that when a couple says, "hey that is exactly what we are looking for!" their caseworker would jump at the chance.  The worst part of all this is that there is another couple from our agency interested in this group.  I was pretty upset and extremely stressed out about it.  I hate not knowing what to expect.  If these girls aren't meant for us; that's fine. I truely want what is best for them.  All that matters is that they have a home and a family that will cherish them.  I just wish I knew if we are that family or not.  Because if we aren't; then I want to match with another group. 

I'm trying to look at this as God's way to teaching me to be patient and to trust in Him.  I guess that is what faith is: Trusting without knowing.

The Start on a Long Process

Patience. I have a lot of patience. Really I do, but not when it comes to waiting for something to happen. The problem, I believe, lies in my inability to sit still for long periods of time. After paying phone tag, I was finally able to set up the first interview with the casework, Kristi. The first meeting was set up on a Wednesday. It was two weeks away and I couldn't have been more antsy; more so than usual. 

The week of the interview, my work partner fractured her ankle and wouldn't be back to work for three weeks.  Three of us would have to fill in for her. The problem was Wednesday.  One of the nurse's was already working that day and the other, Kerry, working her other job that day. That left me. I knew that I could reschedule with Kristi if necessary, but I just wanted to get the ball rolling.  However, I couldn't let my team down either.  Luckily, Kerry was able to find someone else to cover her shift at her other job so she could work Wednesday. Thank you Kerry!

I work pretty much everyday.  I did happen to have off Tuesday and Wednesday of that week. I spent all of Tuesday flying around in a frenzy cleaning, dusting, rearranging, and baking....more so than usual. I repeated the process on Wednesday (even though there was nothing more to clean) till an hour before Kristi arrived. (I ended up sleeping on the couch till she came. I was completely pooped!) I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't know if she would want to see our home and if she was going to inspect it. I didn't know what she was going to ask or what kind of personality she would have.  I felt our lives were in the hands of a woman I never met before! Okay, so I'm a bit theatrical!  Brian on the other hand was as cool as a cucumber. Nothing seems to phase him...ever.  Here I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off worrying about every tiny detail and he has the nerve to be relaxed and calm! How dare he! It always amazing me how Brian can let things roll off his back and take life in strides. Whereas I feel that if I don't worry and don't try to take control something bad will happen. Maybe I should take a lesson from husband.

Hmm.... If worrying doesn't add an inch to your height or years to your life, is that why I'm so short and youthful?

All of my fears and worries, like usual, were for nothing. Kristi was very warm-hearted and friendly. I got a sense that she generally cared about the children and wanted to do what was best for them. It turns out all she did was tell us about the agency and go over some of the paperwork with us. She didn't even look at any of the rooms. (Well, at least I had my chores done for the week!) We set up our next meeting two weeks from now on a Tuesday. I was just relieved to get a start on the long process. 

After our meeting, Brian and I feel much more at ease with the whole process. We really feel like this is what God wants us and to do.  We had a chat last night about the type of labels and qualities that will and will not accept. Brian made a good point that we are not running a charity; we are looking to form our family through adoption. There are so many children out there that our hearts go out to, but we know our family is not right for them. I was surprise, though, by some of the qualities that Brian was willing to accept and seemed perfectly at ease about it. I think being a teacher and being exposed to all types of children gives him a unique perspective.  We believe it comes down to the children, we won't know till met them. Nothing is set in stone yet, though.  This is the first of many talks we had about children and there will be many more. 

So, here we are in the waiting game once more. Maybe this will teach me to be patience and not to worry so much. At least this time I have tons of paperwork to keep my mind busy!

The First of Many Steps...

Its funny. I didn't expect this kind of reaction to making something so small as a phone call.  The phone call itself wasn't anything small. It was quite huge actually. It the first of many steps that would forever change our lives. My whole life I felt like I was preparing for this moment.  I've spend years dreaming, researching, and talking about it but when the time finally came to make that commit, I froze. As I stood there holding my phone with the agency's number already plugged in to it, the reality of the kind of commitment I was going to make hit me. It's not that I'm having second thoughts or doubts. It is like any big event in my life (graduation, "real" jobs, marriage, pregnancy), I never thought that day would come and when it did the thought of it was overwhelming!  I remember the day I found out that I was pregnant. I was so shocked and panicked. It was extremely overwhelming knowing that I was going to have someone totally depend on me.  Or the time I got my "real" job at an assistant living facility. The night before I went in for my first day, I had nightmares all night about being fire or messing up.  The morning of my first day, I laid on the couch sick to my stomach thinking to myself, "Can I really do it?" I was going to responsible for lives of thirty elderly people; all who were depending on me for their care. Yikes!

Well, I guess this should be no different. Though I did make mistakes along the way my daughter, Mira, is still breathing and is a happy engergic child.  I've been at my job for a year and a half now and all of my residents enjoy my company and I seem to be doing well. Both commitments have enriched my life and I am thankful for them.  So around 1pm today, after practing what I was going to say, I took a deep breath and hit send.  Of course when the woman on the other end answered I completely befuddled everything that I practiced.  However, that is just my personality.  The information is in the mail and once my husband and I review it, I am going to call back and set up a meeting.  And this time, that phone call won't be so hard to make. 

One Step at a Time

Yesterday we met with an adoptive couple who have eight children; six which are adopted.  I admit that we were both a little nervous, because we weren't sure what to expect.  But after a few minutes of being there we felt right at home and after spending the whole day talking, laughing, and interacting with the family we both feel at ease with our decision to adopt.  Brian, especially, feels a lot more at ease. 

It was neat to see how the family interacted.  There were eight kids there but you couldn't tell. It was peaceful! All the kids help each and even did chores...without being asked!  There was such a range in the children.  What one child couldn't do; another would help.  That is the way a family should be; all working together. 

We learned a lot about the whole process too. There is so much to information. I brought my notebook and took some notes.  For instance, I never knew that there was a spectrum of celebal palsey. I always assumed celebal palsey met wheelchair...but it doesn't.  They had several children with celebal palsey and each child was different.  In fact, one of my friends has a daughter with celebral palsey who got into the military! (Her case is very mild and I don't think she told them)

We've decided to go with their agency. They have gone through different agencies and they like this one the best.  So, I'll be calling Families United Network sometime this week to get more information.  And hopefully, we can set up a meeting for sometime in November.  We're just taking this one step at a time.

Making Connections

I think it is very important to make connections with other couples who are expeinced in what we are trying to do.  I've prayed to God for years to "open doors" for us if this is what we are ment to do.  Four years ago I worked as a substitute teacher at my husband's school.  I met an aid who had (and still is) adopting children from foster care. Her and her wife have such a lovely family. My husband has had many of their children as students and they have all been wonderful.  I told her that I wanted to adopt one day and she gave me her number and told me to call her when I was ready.  I called her wife last night and we talked for over an hour.  I've learned so much already and there is so much more to learn. We are meeting them in two weeks at their home.  I am so happy that they are going to give us advice, guidance, and a chance to see how they are making a blended family work. :-)

In the mean time I've been introducing our daughter to the idea of adoption.  We've been watch Adoption Story almost everyday. I'm sure how to explain to her why some children need new families. I want to be honest but I don't want to be judgemental either.

We're finally ready...

My whole life I knew I was called to adopt children. In middle and high school I use to cut out articles about adoption and children awaiting parents. Orginally, I thought I would one day adopt overseas since I figured that was were the most need was.  However, while doing some research in college I came to realize that there were children who desperately needed a home right here in the good old US of A! 

Foster care. It was then that I started meeting people who foster cared, adopted from foster care, and who were adopted from foster care. In fact, my husband's aunts were adopted from foster care at ages 2 and 4.  They are wonderful people and I enjoy my time with them. When I married I started doing research on foster care. There are so many children out there who by no fault of their own are taken from their parents. Their stories have touch both my and my husband's hearts. 

After four years of marriage and one crazy three old, we decided that now is the time to give children a chance at a normal life. We don't want to do foster care; we just want to do a one time adoption. We feel that a sibling group will be best for our family. We are hoping for girls between the ages birth and 15. Actually, I was ready when we first got married but my husband wasn't.  So, I waited for him.  We got pregnant with Mira on our honeymoon.  I'm glad that we had her first because she has taught both of us what it means to be a parent and how to have patience! She is definitely the strong-willed child, which is of course my husband's fault because she is exactly like him!
Both our families have some apprehensions about adopting foster children but I'm hoping through education they will come around. It is not that they aren't supportive, they just want our family to be happy.  There are a lot of "horror" stories floating around.  The media is always quick to show the darkside of adoption and foster care, but what about the success stories?  I was on http://www.davethomasfoundation.org/Home and I saw one of the promotion videos: "I'm just a kid."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMBTYhToLRA&feature=related

Kids are kids.  Yes, there will be baggage from the tramua these precious children recieved. But in the end kids are kids. And every child deserves a lovely family.

We are not going to start the whole process till November. My hubby wants to wait till school starts and things settle down. In the mean time I am gathing more information both on-line and in person. It will be a long and tedious process but in the end it will be worth it.  Mira is very excited about the idea of having siblings.